If you are a baby boomer the chances are there is a new topic at your cocktail parties - war stories on the struggle to care for elderly parents. Persuading aging parents or relatives that it is time to move to some type of facility (independent living, assisted living, retirement home, nursing home, etc.) is excruciating for the parents and exasperating for the children. If you watched "The Sopranos" on HBO, just think of what Paulie went through with his mother! This article will attempt to give some ideas on how to cope with this complex challenge.
Helen Peterkin, our dear friend of sparkling personality and a certain age, is our personal hero on this subject. She and her husband, Gordon, acted decisively when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in the early 1990's. Gordon, whose father also had the disease, saw his future and announced that they had to move to an assisted living facility. Helen cried at the prospect of moving out of their lovely home, so he gave her another year. Then they moved to Evergreen Woods, a top-notch facility in Branford, CT. The couple was able to live together for a few years in their beautiful and spacious apartment there, until the progression of Gordon's disease meant he had to be moved to the health center. Economically their decision was a smart one: his extensive health needs were taken care of at no extra cost. But socially it was the right move too. Helen made friends and built a rich life in her new community. Since Gordon's death Helen has soldiered on, traveling the world and continuing to play an impressive game of golf. Recently she was kind enough to share observations about what she has seen as her friends have had to face a life change.
Helen's experience with her senior friends is similar to that of many of us - it is very difficult to get the elderly to admit that it is time to move, and even then to take the steps that will get them into a good facility. Helen is quite definite that every time she has seen a couple wait too long, "it has been a disaster". What that usually means is that when one or the other of the couple becomes seriously ill, they either can't get into the facility of their choice, they have to pay a premium of several thousand dollars per month, or they have to settle for the least attractive facilities and/or units. Stress levels rise and families are disrupted as worried children scramble to research and gain admittance for their parents into the right kind of facility.
Roberta Isleib Experience - It Takes Two to Tango
"My paternal grandparents planned carefully for their own decline", says clinical psychologist Dr. Roberta Isleib. "They moved from their retirement home in Bradenton, FL to an assisted living facility nearby. My grandmother, still spunky until she died at 92, insisted on referring to the other residents as "inmates." But both seemed satisfied with their choice, especially when my grandfather became ill and had to spend his last weeks in the infirmary...
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